This is a "Hide Behind Sarahsmiles" blog entry so am going to TRY to keep it brief. But, I just had an experience that brought out some really strong feelings tonight...and then I was so taken aback...wow...that it really IS a bigger deal than I realized. Anyway, it has to do with a brief but enlightening moment with a little baby girl. I always wanted children and the details aren't important but guess it just wasn't in the cards for me. So, the beautiful baby's grandmother stopped by with her to see my roommate. Knowing my situation...and the fact that I am a little "down" tonight, my roommate surprised me with the little visitor, knowing that it would put a smile on my face. OMG, she is less than 3 weeks old and so adorable. I ran like a gazelle to wash my hands and came back to hold this little tiny girl. I don't think I have ever held a baby that young...or it has been awhile. It was so enlightening and I just felt so grateful to hold her and look at her. She was squirming and stretching and had these tiny little yawns...lol. I talked to her some and am choosing to believe that she heard me. Anyway, I held her for less than 10 min or so and just watched her and talked to her while my roommate and her friend talked. It was so cool to watch her and I kept wondering what she was thinking, how she probably wasn't too happy about having to lose her warm and cozy abode for this big giant world where there is so much noise yet so much to learn and discover. Anyway, I was going about my brief visit with the little darling girl and all of a sudden, I started crying...lol. It's not funny yet it is because where the hell did that come from...I literally had to hand the infant back to her grandmother and make my exit. I then returned to my room and had a good cry...the whole time wondering what the hell was wrong with me...lol. So, I write things like this down when they happen as it serves as an outlet and makes me feel better. Nope, it's not sexy and definitely an unusual and almost unspoken "no no" on a site such as this one...but here's the great part...it's my site. ;)
I have finished my cry, bid adieu to the beautiful baby and her grandmother, and wrote this...so am feeling better. What an odd thing, though... I wanted to be a mother so badly but things happen for a reason...or so they say...and I would like to ask whomever at the top that makes these decisions what the reason is for me not being able to have children...because maybe it's not a good one. But, it is what it is and life as we know it goes on. I hope that everyone who happens to still be reading this sappy little entry knows how blessed they are to have their children. I'm thinking of a certain single father who I adore and want to tell him...again...how awesome he is for doing what he does and going without many things because of his decision to devote himself to his son...you know who you are, E...sappy, huh? ;) I'm sure you will feel the need to get a jab in after reading this...it will be sweet and an attempt to cheer me up. I know you well so if you're feelin' froggy, leap! ;)
Soooo, on that note, it IS Friday night...I need to busy myself with something or someone or whatever.
Have a great weekend!
Sarah
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