My little blog....

So, this is not really the place to share so I'll keep it brief...or try to anyway. I tend to hide behind "Sarahsmiles" anyway. I just found out on Tuesday that my old roommate, one that I had lived with off and on for about 3 years, died. He was only 45 years old. And to make matters worse, it was 3 months ago, and I JUST found out. I'm heartbroken. I knew he was sick and having some heart problems but also knew that he had a couple of years to get a transplant..or that's the last news that I knew of from the doctor. When he was in the hospital, I went to see him but had such a hard time because he was always so strong...so "Mike"...lol..that it broke my heart to not be able to just "fix it" for him. So, I made excuses to not go and my visits slowed down and then stopped. When he came home between his hospital stays, I apologized and started to explain my feelings, but he already knew. He knew me so well. Before I could even say anything, he said that he knew that I cared and knew that I couldn't handle it. He was my "family" and with my fear of abandonment issues and knack of just running away instead of facing things, he already knew...and he hugged me and told me what a good, kind person I am and that he wanted to see me happy and doing more for myself because I deserved it. I cried. So, I am happy to know that but for that reason, he asked his girlfriend to not let me know about some other stays that occurred as his health was declining. He didn't want me to worry. We were moving out of our condo around that time. His room was such a filthy mess...lol...that I was very agitated that his friends, etc. weren't coming to finish the job that they had started with moving his things. I left messages several times a day and never got a reply. After all was said and done...and moved and cleaned...his GF finally replied and said that he didn't want any of the stuff anyway. She didn't tell me about his condition. So, I got mad and told him to "lose my number"...and I had changed it.... Those are words that I can NEVER take back and that is how we left things. We had several fights/spats over the years, and he always called me a "little shit-talker"...and I am...so I just thought we would make up like we usually do. But, I never had the chance as he died about 2 weeks later...and no one told me. I had to find out from someone else that saw it on his Facebook page. I am full of regret and am just coping with the loss of someone that I was so close to...for the first time, too. He was my family. I wrote his GF about it and just received an email from her with all of the details of his condition up until the time of his death. She said that he loved me and KNEW that I loved him so was very frustrated at how things ended. I know he cared but I wanted to say goodbye...but then I also know that he knew it would crush me and wanted to spare me...or at least I like to think that's why he didn't have anyone call me.

Regrets...