So, I haven't really felt like writing much here lately so have not done so, but I have a lot to share now!  ;)  And, before you read on, if you are one of those that say I share too much here, then stop reading now as you are NOT about to read about any of my sexual fantasies or some shit like that.  But before dashing off, you may want to ask yourself (if a frequent visitor), why do you keep fucking coming back?  If you're bored and looking for gossip, I guess it's okay as I just really don't give a fuck!  It's my site, and I will do write what I want, k?  (should hear a FIRM and CONFIDENT, and NOWHERE NEAR HOSTILE tone of voice)...to those of you who can't get that or don't know me!

 

So, I must say that maybe I do like to "vent/share" here and hide behind "Sarahsmiles", but I AM the same person and just want to do it.  If I get too personal or share too much, I usually go back and delete it.  Whatever....

 

So, I have been pondering (I like that word) again a lot lately...uh oh... and have some questions (mostly rhetorical so don't feel the need to answer in numerical order....).  When do you KNOW what you want to be when you "grow up"??  Seriously, I am 38 and have a number of things that I would enjoy doing as a career.  I am flaky, though, so have already done a number of things before "providing" or simply insert whatever your term is for it that include Social Services, Business Office Manager, HR Manager, Licensed Nursing Facility Assistant Administrator, and then ran my own facility as a Licensed Nursing Facility Administrator.  Now, I NEVER would have thought that I would enjoy working with the elderly but took the Social Services position as it was "close" to using my BS in Psychology.  I REALLY wanted to go to law school but would have had to move away from my hometown and was putting myself thru college so couldn't afford it and just settled.  I wish I had had the balls to even TRY to do what I REALLY wanted, but I didn't and really didn't have anyone encouraging me at that time.  So, it turns out that I LOVED working with the elderly.  Being the little achiever that I was, I decided to pursue getting my Nursing Facility Administrator license.  Once I got it, however, and the more I "moved up" in the company, I had LESS time with the residents....and I really wish I had realized that, too, back then.  So, I moved to Texas and was doing the same thing until I was actually "let go" aka FIRED from a facility and had never experienced such a thing.  WTF??  Did I deserve it, maybe so...regardless, I then went to work for the State at the Texas Youth Commission.  I had received an offer for that position as well as one with Child Protective Services, and although I LOVE children, the position was as an Investigator (the first one on the scene) so I KNEW that I would not be able to handle it.  I took the other position and was FUCKING bored as I had VERY LIMITED interaction with people, which for me is like taking a rawhide away from my dog, Jenny, it isn't pretty!  I am a certified Personal Trainer (YES, I was once VERY HEALTHY and in BAD ASS SHAPE) and did that for awhile as a second job while going thru my divorce. 

 

But, this is when the WILD STREAK came...I decided to go back to bartending for fun, more money, etc. and went downhill from there.  Fortunately, I still have the rope that I hung myself with to use to climb back up but seem to be taking awhilee...like I did in P.E. because I was "scared" or "afraid I wouldn't make it".  Wimpy, I know!

 

So, at 38 years old, I have NO idea what to do and NEVER saw myself being in this situation.  I was meant for more....but I also believe that everything does happen for a reason.  So, what now?  I think about using my MA in Counseling and then sarcastically LAUGH at myself as I AM one of the most fucked up people I know!  Now, one day (hopefully sooner than later) WHEN I DO get my life in order or as close to that as possible, I WOULD make a great counselor as I could probably say that I've "been there and done that" to almost any problem(s) for which people seek help in the first place.  I may do the Massage Therapy thing but honestly, that is more for a "cover" and a means to file income taxes as I really do have to be "in the mood" to give a massage and that doesn't happen enough to make a living as I would rather GET the massage than GIVE it.  ;)

 

So, I have many more questions and may come back to write more but have grown tired of typing for now....

 

Sarah

 

P.S.A.P.  (Post Script After Pondering...or something along those lines)  I cannot believe that I forgot to mention that I GOT A CAR!!  It's a sporty little thing, too!  I had turned off my computer when I realized that I forgot to mention it and had to go turn it back on just to add this news.  It was funny, too, because it was as if my computer KNEW of my excitement so took it's own sweet time booting up...to the point of me actually feeling an uncomfortable level of anxiety...too funny.  So, that's it. 

 

I ALSO wanted to tell a few people that probably regularly read this that I apologize for not returning your phone calls, emails, etc. and want to THANK you for checking on me as well as explain to you that it is NOT YOU that I am avoiding.  Most of you already know what's up, but if not, just remember that "addicts" tend to "hide out" when acting out again due to being ashamed, embarrassed, etc.  And, for the sake of SOME privacy, let's say that I have an addiction to Dr. Peppers (this should be fun, too).  When I am NOT drinking Dr, Peppers, I feel MUCH BETTER and will say and truly believe that it is over.  So, when I go back to having a Dr. Pepper, I don't want to disappoint anyone.  When I graduated from "treatment" before, I had to write a "Discharge Plan" to someone that I would listen to and respect as well as be comfortable with when discussing my addiction to Dr. Peppers.  So, I chose my mother.  I wrote what my "triggers" were to make me want to drink another Dr. Pepper, what MY signs are if and when I am back to drinking them, and what she should do.  One of the BIGGEST things that I do is IGNORE...in every possible way.  So, you can continue to be there and support me, but please remember that you can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves.  So, to my favorite Taco Bell guy who I believe was truly an "angel" sent to me, to my sharer of cheeseburgers in San Antonio, to my fellow lab-owner that lives by the lake, to Punk Ass, to a VERY dear friend that tried to teach me pool, to the Mango friend, to the great guy from WV:  I apologize.  I DO think of you...I DO appreciate knowing that you are thinking of me...and I WILL be okay and WILL contact you very soon as I think so highly of each of you and MISS YOU!!