So, I have decided that I need to change my environment and leave Austin for awhile.  It will take me a month or so to get things together, but I guess I am in a position at this time to just pick up and go.  I love Austin but really haven't seen a whole lot of other places outside of Texas and Louisiana.  I am almost embarrassed to say this, but I am truly afraid of taking this plunge.  I used to like the fact that I would go after whatever it was that I wanted and not give up until I accomplished whatever it was at the time.  So, by the age of 30, I had a BS in Psychology, a Masters in Counseling, had worked over 10 years in nursing/retirement homes starting off as a Social Services Director and ended up becoming a licensed Nursing Facility Administrator.  I worked in office management, in Human Resources, got certified as a Personal Trainer.  I like the fact that I would just get an idea about wanting something and just made it happen.  I was so ambitious and have recognized that somewhere along the way I lost that drive.  I have developed into my own being since moving to Austin but have also taken some huge wrong turns along the way and have found myself in a pickle.  (I like that saying, by the way, but I don't really grasp the whole concept...about being in a pickle, that is).  So, I live in Austin and consider it home and love it for many reasons...yet, I don't take the initiative to go out and enjoy those things.  I need to have a lot of "ME TIME", and that scares the fucking shit out of me.  I do believe that I have been given a lot of challenges in life (like most people), but I also like that in hindsight as it has made me so strong in many ways and more appreciative of many of life's offerings.  Now, don't get me wrong, I have unfortunately always moved so fast that I didn't take the time to really enjoy the moment.  I have forgotten just how great I am and can be and am tired of staying holed up and missing out on life because I can't do anything about it??  WTF??  When did I turn into such a wimp??  So, I have realized that I have to get away and travel...visit many places that I have just thought about visiting...get to know ME...get away from the life that I have become to know now and step out and figure out how I am going to get myself out of this hole I got myself into.  ;)

 

Some may consider me fortunate to be in this situation now that allows me to have the freedom to easily do this...while others wouldn't trade places with me for anything.  I am scared shitless, but I KNOW that I will be just fine...that I will get to know myself again and see that I CAN do whatever I want and DO have the power to make such changes.  I don't understand many of my decisions and can probably justify most of them quite easily, but it is really just lying to myself...and that is NOT who I am nor who I want to be.  I can choose to stay here and waste away and mourn the loss of myself, dwell on my mistakes, wallow in self-pity (I am REALLY good at that one, by the way), and chase after people or things that I THINK will make me happy.  OR, I can cut my losses and be brave and go out and actually LIVE LIFE...it's really plain and simple and doesn't have to be scary.  But, change is often scary, but I won't be able to accept life as it is now...I've just come too far and have so many achievements to give up now.  I don't need to try to understand why people don't love me back like I love them...why they make the choices that they make...wish that I could go back and do things differently because I can't change the past and I can't change people...and I don't really have the right to even try to do that.  I want to learn to just be thankful for what once was and then move on to what is next. 

 

So, this is a really long entry today, but I am just tired and emotionally spent...but I did it all to myself!  ;)

 

So, I want to travel to many places and would love any input that you may like to offer and/or requests.  I am scared, but I know it will be just great, and I will be just fine because I am strong...and loving....and generous...and I want to love me for awhile!  ;)

 

If you made it this far, THANK YOU for taking the time to hear me out.

 

Happy St. Patrick's Day, and I hope everyone has a wonderful week!

 

S